Guilt

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..
Assalamualaikum wrt,

Today, an ukht of mine gave me a letter - more like a blog post - to answer to a question i asked her 8 months ago. i was really touched at first, for her to remember a mere question i asked of which i've forgotten she didn't answer it. it didn't really matter to me that she didn't answer because i knew the question might be too difficult for words to answer.

Reading her post felt like i was re-opening an old chapter of my life. Re-reading the chapter i've left behind and almost  forgotten. It wasn't like deja-vu or anything vague of the sort but it was like reliving the moments again, seeing, watching and feeling them again. And this exodus of feelings came rushing back. The most prevailing of all: Guilt.

i remembered the very first time i heard the news of her demise. i cried, i sobbed, i gasped for air... i couldn't imagine losing her. i couldn't imagine when i would return to nizhniy back then, i would never see her again. i was on the phone when i heard about the news; i couldn't even speak because i was sobbing and crying so hard.

i remembered that moment very well. and i have this long list of regrets and "what ifs" on my mind about how i missed spending time with her, about how i could have spent much more time with her, about how i didn't tell her how much she meant to me and how much she has taught me. and i really miss her. much more so when i'm preparing for usrah, when i go for usrah... i will miss her every moment.

and i know i might not be the best murobbiah in the whole wide world. in fact, i might be the most unequipped, most unloving one. and i apologise to you so much for all the things i should have given to you but was unable to.

Ya Allah, i pray so much that one day, i will meet with her again.. i will hug her and tell her,"uhibbuki fillah, adzreen..." in Jannah...

The dream i dreamt of which i dream to dream..

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

Assalamualaikum..

i don't know whether it's because there have been so many people talking about marriage and getting married, or because i've been getting many wedding invitations, but it has been on my mind lately. i've even dreamed of myself getting married if that isn't bizarre enough. Quite bizarre enough, i actually want to talk about it. the dream, i mean. and also marriage.

in the dream, i was getting married to a cripple ( i know it sounds quite offending here but i couldn't find any suitable word to replace it). he was absolutely normal (physically and mentally) except that he was on a wheelchair. i couldn't figure out what had happened to him; maybe he had an accident which paralysed his legs or something of the sort. but anyway, during the solemnization, my heart was crying out loud,"am i really going to get married to him? can't i just call it off?!" at one point i actually wanted to call it off. in the middle of the solemnization. how crazy was that! but then again, it was a dream after all.

i kept thinking that i would have to take care of him 24 hours, maybe even bathe him and help him with his clothes and other daily activities, i might even have to quit any job i had to take care of him. i think that was why i wanted to call off the wedding.

but i went through with it anyway. and i was actually married. instead of feeling regret, i felt nervous. nervous about how i was about to live with a man i barely knew. after the solemnization, he said something that made me felt instantly at ease. "Tarbiah dan takwin akan tetap menjadi wasilah untuk kemenangan islam." i can't remember who he was talking to and why.. but it made me feel secure and safe for some reason.

and then it struck me. it doesn't really matter who i was about to get married to, how he looks like, whatever shortcomings he might have.. as long as inshaAllah we have the same intentions to get married, with the same aim and goals, with Allah always as the sole purpose in our lives... then we probably will look pass all our flaws and imperfections so that we can live and strive together to find Allah's Love and Mercy.

and masha'Allah... i really want to get married because of that. not because of being so in love with the other, or being infatuated with him. because it doesn't last forever, it will never last forever.. except our love for Allah. which will indefinitely bring us to His Jannah.

and as much as i want to get married right now, right at this moment... i know i still have a lot to do. firstly, is with my own self with Allah. with how i really want to focus on Him right now and not on something that i don't know what will be in the future. why waste time worrying about the unknown future when you can completely rely on Allah to plan what's best for you and trust Him completely that He will always surround you with the best of people and finally, to Him you will return and with Him you will indefinitely live with all eternity under the shades of dark green and the gardens of which flows streams beneath them.

yes, i have so many flaws. i don't always pray on time... i don't always wake up in the middle of the night willingly and cry when i'm alone with Him. i take things lightly, i always procrastinate. and if i could list down all my flaws here, one page wouldn't suffice.

and with this long winding list of flaws and my unreadiness... it's no surprise to me that my time hasn't come yet.

secondly, i still have 5 papers of exam ahead of me. of which i'm barely ready to sit for. *sobs*

but inshaAllah i will always try to strive for the best. Solely for Allah, biiznillah.

pray for me, please.

Pretty please..

Quarantined

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

Assalamualaikum wrt,

i've been feeling groggy these past few days. and today, i decided to quarantine myself; partly because it was too cold outside and if i tried going outdoors today, i might get worse and partly because i didn't want any of my groupmates to be sick as well (over these past few years, i've been well-known to be a source of  infection to them). and i spent the whole day inside of my room, not once heading out the doors. 

it wasn't really the best of days even though i got the chance to sleep in. well, for one i didn't get many things done; i only managed to get them done in the evening. and i guess i was really out of it - all the sneezing, coughing, blowing out my nose - it was all too tiring and agitating. sleep was the only way i knew to feel better.

and because of this really unproductive day i had, i was reminded by this hadeeth once by the Muhammad p.b.u.h., two ni'mat that we always take for granted; ample free time and health. 

when you feel healthy and energized, you feel like you can all the things in the world. even if you don't get to do all the things in the world, at least you get something done and feel good that you've accomplished something for the day. you can run, you can go through the cold, freezing winter from morning till evening and when you get home even if you feel tired, you know that you have done and accomplished something. go to class, attain some useful knowledge or maybe just to accompany your friend out in the cold. Health is something we always take for granted, until Allah decides to test us with it.

free time is always taken for granted as well. when you're too busy for exams, work and whatnot, you just wish you had more time for dakwah, more time to prepare for the next daurah or the next usrah. but when you get the time, you tend to use the time for other purposes with less priority.

i don't know, maybe it's just my own weakness of not being able to arrange my time effectively so i would be able to do everything and be better than what i am now. maybe it's my own weakness that's taking me back from becoming extraordinary.

Oh Allah.. please give me the strength and patience to better myself and do more for this ummah. 

The Hardest Part

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

Assalamualaikum wrt

today as i was reading the Quran (i can't read the quran without reading the translation due to the fact that i can barely understand Arabic save for a few mere easy vocab, barely enough to construct a sentence) and as i was browsing through surah Ali 'Imran, i came across an ayah where Allah tells us the story of a woman who Allah has chosen above all the other women in the world. that woman must be so special to be chosen by Allah Himself right?

(Remember) when the wife of 'Imran said: "O my Lord! I have vowed to You what (the child that) is in my womb to be dedicated for Your services (free from all worldly work; to serve Your Place of worship), so accept this, from me. Verily, You are the All-Hearer, the All-Knowing." 3:35

(English - Mohsin Khan)

yes, it was Maryam, or Mary if you prefer the English version.

even before Maryam was born, her mother has dedicated the child that was in her womb solely for Allah (in this case, the child in the womb being Maryam). even before she gave birth, she decided that her own child would be for Allah's sake alone. imagine loving someone so much, someone who has been a part of you but you willingly let go for the sake of Allah. i mean, i have never had the chance to experience the same feeling; possibly not yet. but i would have to guess how burdensome and how reluctant i would be to let go of someone i love so much. just giving your own things for the sake of Allah (for example, giving away your SIII or iPhone 4/5 to someone who needs it more than you do) is enough to make you feel reluctant. and those are just your own stuff and belongings, not your own mother or father or brother.. 

and to carry a tiny being inside of you for 9 months or 38 weeks to be exact and then just give it up.. that requires strength.

And (remember) when the angles said: "O Maryam (Mary)! Verily Allah has chosen you, purified you (from polytheism and disbelief), and chosen you above the women of the 'Alamin (mankind and jinns) (of her lifetime)." 3:42

and she turned out to be one of the most respected, most dignified woman of all. 

upon reflecting such a great figure such as she, i know that i'm a far cry from who she is. but i pray and sincerely hope that even if i don't become as great as she was, i will be able to give birth and nurture my own children to be given for Allah's sake and when the time comes to let them go fi sabilillah... i will willingly and whole-heartedly do so, inshaAllah.

letting them go willingly, bearing in mind that i will meet them again in jannah...

i don't know why but i'm suddenly reminded of my dear ukhti, Adzreen who left much sooner before us. i hope that one day i will meet her again too.. in non other than in a garden so beautiful, so green with streams and rivers flowing underneath. i miss her. a lot.

Pilot

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

Assalamualaikum wrt,

not too long ago, i came across a saying,"when you write (doesn't matter whether it's in a diary for only you to see or whether you publish it for the world to see), you become more aware of your own feelings."

and feelings are something almost synonymous with us women. even the Prophet p.b.u.h. said that women are made of 1 intellect and 9 emotions. well, my point here is that; even if i am from venus (pardon the pun, if there is one) where emotions are something deeply connected and related to us, there are times when we forget to feel, we forget to look within ourselves and we forget to reflect what we've done and what we've felt.

i know i've long left my pencil and paper behind and i am perfectly aware that my muse or the little known passion i had for writing has somewhat become another chapter of a book i've kept hidden for so long but i hope that this time, inshaAllah i will set my intentions straight and start again anew to write with a cause i can hold on to for the long run.

and now to reveal the purpose of my writing here: i will try for at least 21 days to write continuously everyday about anything that i come across, anything that i observe or witness, anything that i hear and anything that i feel that made me closer to my Creator.

and for what exactly, you ask?

for me to reflect (muhasabah) upon myself, to pay attention to every little detail in my life so that i will not just pass by it without taking some part (if not all) of it for the long journey i have in front of me, inshaAllah.

to begin with the first day (which is today), i'd like to start talking about the weather (i know, that's very English of me). the weather here in Russia is exceptionally extreme. and by extreme, i mean -20 °C and below. yes, it is that extreme. nevertheless, the weather has never been much of an obstacle to Russians and inshaAllah to us studying here. we go about our day, going to work or class or gym or whatever else it is that Russians usually do. and with this weather, i humbly and most embarrassingly admit of the countless times i've cursed, complained about the weather. and also of the countless times i blamed the weather for not doing something that i should have done.

despite the extreme and almost unbearable weather (like today, i came out of my room at 8.30 am and reached home 10 hours later, and i was - i'm not exaggerating here - practically shaking cold throughout the day even when i was indoors), it never fails to amaze me how beautiful and magnificent everything is here; from the pure white, sparkling snow to the trees covered in it. i mean, subhanAllah... how Great Allah is to create a beautiful creation amidst this extremely cold weather when at the other side of the world, the view is so different and the weather is so very unimaginably different from here? SubhanAllah, Walhamdulillah, Allahu Akbar.. verily He is the Best of the Bestest Bestest No-one-like-Him-Best Creator!

a bit of a confession here; when i reached indoors, i took of my shoes and glued my feet to the heater and as i was so desperately cold, i was frantically scouring for heaters in every building i came into. yes, i was that desperate.

lesson learnt today: a sunny weather outside doesn't mean you can endure it boldly. so pack yourself up in as much layers as you can, eat a warm hot breakfast before heading out to the cold. NEVER underestimate russian winter, for the love of God.

Alhamdulillah, it was a sunny -20 °C

ps. this was like a 10 second shot because i had no gloves on thus i couldn't find a nice angle (well, okay.. even if i had more time, i still won't be able to find a nice angle; photography is not my pursuit in life)