Guilt

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..
Assalamualaikum wrt,

Today, an ukht of mine gave me a letter - more like a blog post - to answer to a question i asked her 8 months ago. i was really touched at first, for her to remember a mere question i asked of which i've forgotten she didn't answer it. it didn't really matter to me that she didn't answer because i knew the question might be too difficult for words to answer.

Reading her post felt like i was re-opening an old chapter of my life. Re-reading the chapter i've left behind and almost  forgotten. It wasn't like deja-vu or anything vague of the sort but it was like reliving the moments again, seeing, watching and feeling them again. And this exodus of feelings came rushing back. The most prevailing of all: Guilt.

i remembered the very first time i heard the news of her demise. i cried, i sobbed, i gasped for air... i couldn't imagine losing her. i couldn't imagine when i would return to nizhniy back then, i would never see her again. i was on the phone when i heard about the news; i couldn't even speak because i was sobbing and crying so hard.

i remembered that moment very well. and i have this long list of regrets and "what ifs" on my mind about how i missed spending time with her, about how i could have spent much more time with her, about how i didn't tell her how much she meant to me and how much she has taught me. and i really miss her. much more so when i'm preparing for usrah, when i go for usrah... i will miss her every moment.

and i know i might not be the best murobbiah in the whole wide world. in fact, i might be the most unequipped, most unloving one. and i apologise to you so much for all the things i should have given to you but was unable to.

Ya Allah, i pray so much that one day, i will meet with her again.. i will hug her and tell her,"uhibbuki fillah, adzreen..." in Jannah...

The dream i dreamt of which i dream to dream..

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

Assalamualaikum..

i don't know whether it's because there have been so many people talking about marriage and getting married, or because i've been getting many wedding invitations, but it has been on my mind lately. i've even dreamed of myself getting married if that isn't bizarre enough. Quite bizarre enough, i actually want to talk about it. the dream, i mean. and also marriage.

in the dream, i was getting married to a cripple ( i know it sounds quite offending here but i couldn't find any suitable word to replace it). he was absolutely normal (physically and mentally) except that he was on a wheelchair. i couldn't figure out what had happened to him; maybe he had an accident which paralysed his legs or something of the sort. but anyway, during the solemnization, my heart was crying out loud,"am i really going to get married to him? can't i just call it off?!" at one point i actually wanted to call it off. in the middle of the solemnization. how crazy was that! but then again, it was a dream after all.

i kept thinking that i would have to take care of him 24 hours, maybe even bathe him and help him with his clothes and other daily activities, i might even have to quit any job i had to take care of him. i think that was why i wanted to call off the wedding.

but i went through with it anyway. and i was actually married. instead of feeling regret, i felt nervous. nervous about how i was about to live with a man i barely knew. after the solemnization, he said something that made me felt instantly at ease. "Tarbiah dan takwin akan tetap menjadi wasilah untuk kemenangan islam." i can't remember who he was talking to and why.. but it made me feel secure and safe for some reason.

and then it struck me. it doesn't really matter who i was about to get married to, how he looks like, whatever shortcomings he might have.. as long as inshaAllah we have the same intentions to get married, with the same aim and goals, with Allah always as the sole purpose in our lives... then we probably will look pass all our flaws and imperfections so that we can live and strive together to find Allah's Love and Mercy.

and masha'Allah... i really want to get married because of that. not because of being so in love with the other, or being infatuated with him. because it doesn't last forever, it will never last forever.. except our love for Allah. which will indefinitely bring us to His Jannah.

and as much as i want to get married right now, right at this moment... i know i still have a lot to do. firstly, is with my own self with Allah. with how i really want to focus on Him right now and not on something that i don't know what will be in the future. why waste time worrying about the unknown future when you can completely rely on Allah to plan what's best for you and trust Him completely that He will always surround you with the best of people and finally, to Him you will return and with Him you will indefinitely live with all eternity under the shades of dark green and the gardens of which flows streams beneath them.

yes, i have so many flaws. i don't always pray on time... i don't always wake up in the middle of the night willingly and cry when i'm alone with Him. i take things lightly, i always procrastinate. and if i could list down all my flaws here, one page wouldn't suffice.

and with this long winding list of flaws and my unreadiness... it's no surprise to me that my time hasn't come yet.

secondly, i still have 5 papers of exam ahead of me. of which i'm barely ready to sit for. *sobs*

but inshaAllah i will always try to strive for the best. Solely for Allah, biiznillah.

pray for me, please.

Pretty please..